Nothing Funny about Coffee Palms

Today I learned a valuable lesson about profitability and deep pockets. To some this may seem like a comment about some weird porno involving monkeys and a professional pocket pooler. well those people would be perverts. No deep pockets are pockets that have had so much money and presumably change in them that they have become really big. I also learned....the hard way not to stand up and shout out answers in front of strangers and future co-workers unless you know the answer. For example, when someone is doing a presentation about financial stuffits and the like and merchandise etc, then they ask what does D&D stand for. DO NOT stand up, wave your arms and yell OOH OOh I know, Dungeons and Dragons! Then whatever you do don't do the victory dance, especially if you're in a very tight space. MAN, embarassing! Who knew so many people missed out on the magically nerdesque underbelly activity that produced so many you know...psychos. Bah, people can complain about their spilt coffee and ruined slacks all they like, nothing compared to the thrill of being confronted by a silver dragon and orcs and the only thing standing in your way to victory is a 3 roll on a four sided die! Non stop adrenaline I tell you. Who needs the magic of fresh air and the thrill of a smacking that birdie over the flimsy little net when you can be in someones urine soaked basement battling hill trolls and planning your next foray into the world of imagination with a forty year old comic shop owner.
Well that it for now I have to soak the basement in urine......man this is weird.

Aliens at the End of the Bed

Ever wake up in the nether regions of the night only to discover you're not alone. I don't mean your spouse or partner either. I mean a creepy bouncing feeling at your feet. A zapping sound and then complete paralyzation. When does dream turn to waking or vice versa. That time of night is prone to trickery of that sort. Back to the paralyzation....Eyes seemingly open. Mind racing, terror or something like it. A scream stuck in your throat. But are you awake. Is this part of the dream or something more. I suppose if I looked I could find some scientific explanation. Instead I'll wait for the next episode, this one I actually got out some small whimperings. Usually, nothing just screams stuck in the throat.

Crocodile in my pants

As a youth I watched a lot of satruday afternoon specials starring Johnny Wiesmueller. For those of you unfamiliar with the seventies and having only one channel, not because you didn't have cable but because there was only one channel.....yeah one! The best part was KVOS only played reruns from the fifties. Only now are they playing what I would have liked to have been watching almost thirty years ago. I wanted to be Tarzan but alas, I soon realized I lacked the physical prowess and jungle knowledge of the Lord of the apes. I also lacked golm medals in olympic swimming, I was six, sue me. So I decided being a zoo keeper was the way to go. I would run the zoo and all the animals would be my friends and if anyone I didn't like bothered me I would yodel ahhhh ah aha ah ahahhhhhhhhhh and elephants and monkeys would come out of nowhere and trample my enemies. I had big dreams. Then one horrible night all those dreams were crushed. While camping with two of my older cousins I was told that zoo keepers are not lords of their domain and ruler of the beasts but people who clean up animal poo poo.
For the next several years I refused to believe. Eventually with age I gave up the dream of zookeeperdom and wanted to be a biologist. They studied animals, they must be like the Tarzan of the educational kingdom. Wrong again. to be con't........

This, picture though somewhat blurry is very dramatic and I love it. So, there.
dramatic scaup

Bird on a Wire, and that uncomfortable feeling in my hair

Christmas is upon us and what could possibly be more Christmasey than a small bird high overhead with a belly full of say.....something white, maybe with black speckles....getting the picture.....it's runny.....ok nevermind. I'll tell you what's chritmasey, LOTS and LOTS of commercials about what you need. Like, dad NEEDS a new snowblower, only 2499 at the home Despot , hey wait look at me I'm cuttin the grass with my new snowblower. Also nothing says holiday cheer and peace on earth like an overcrowded parking lot filled with angry Honky's, that's people who love honking. THAT's MY SPOT and I'M GONNA KILL YOU. To me anyway that just makes my eyes water with the glow of Christmas. Forget stars, kings, the baby jesus and oh being nice to each other. Maybe from now on we should all just make a gaint pyramid of presents and have a christmas rumble, with obnoxious radio and tv ads playing full blast in the background. BUY BUY BUY, yeah faster, SPEND HONK GET CRAZY< FEEL THE CHRISTMAS LOVE!!!!! Maybe if more people took the time to stop a moment take a deep breath and look to the sky for a moment...just hope there's no birds with full bellies above.
Bird on a wire

My friend took this picture of me in a pigeon suit being chased by this eagle. My friend is a bad photographer so the picture sucks. The suit was really cool too.
oh yeah carrion!

This painting was started a year ago September during a holiday in Roberts Creek with the sexy lady who is now my wife. The brain is like a big mushy hard drive which is connected to two mushy cameras and they in turn send funny ideas to my skinny fingers. Then my fingers reach out for anything that is capable of making marks that other squishy brained humans can interpret in their own way. When the "peice" is complete I do things like scan it into a computer and stare at it thinking wow everyone's gonna love this. This is the true mandate of all visual artists to hear people say WoW I love It! Lot's of time if the people aren't drunk or doing things which have been deemed illegal by the man and his gorgeous wife, they say things like mmmm interesting or bah hah aha I could do that. Or my favorite, PAF! a punch in the kisser and "you, are a pervert!!!" then shuffling feet and a small tear. I love that one. Hopefully to fulfill my mandate, which may be a misusage of the word, someone will not only love this painting but fork over a couple G's to help me make more. Making money is the secret mandate of all artists though most adamantly deny this saying things about integrety and not "selling out". It is in the best interest of artistic progress to not call artists on this. I have a whole bag of integrety, that means I eat a lot of spagetti and trendy food like raw bleached flour balls recipe below.

Raw bleached flour
sugary water

mix in a bowl or in sink if you have no bowl, when you can make the floury concoction into balls, you're done. Eat on the sidewalk to provoke strong feelings of disgust or compassion in your fellow man.

Come back later for more recipes for people with lot's of integrety.

Bye
A day out with my imagination

The Bird and I

This bird and I had a slight disagreement over a dead trout. If only I too had been blessed with those darn flappy arms and hollowed bones I may have stood a chance in the altercation. True I have nimble fingers(girl hands) but unaided they hardly draw blood like those magnificent talons. YAHG my eyes will ring through the bird santuary for all eternity. Allow me to elaborate.
There I sat happily munching the dead-ish trout I'd found near the river bank. Flap, swish went it's tail as if calling that wretched bird. "Come bird, fly me away and tear at my still twitching carcass from some dirty treetop lair. Imagine that from a human point, your swimming about eating plankton and ambergris when shazam your back is torn open by some greedy bird looking to quell it's starvation by feasting on your smelly skin! Hey bird EAT SOME BERRIES! I think coffee is both my ally as well as my greatest enemy. That and A.D.D I love new world disease, they're like excuses for everything. When I was kid(in the good old days) you were just a lazy idiot, but NOW, oh he can't do that he's got some disease which seems to have to do with the fact that I let him eat waaaaaaaaay too much sugary cereal for breakfast and then sent him off to school with a duffel bag full of granola bars coated in chocolate and fruit flavoured nuggets. OOh look at our little guy he sure is fast, oooop he fell over again. Now the Japanese are making robots like crazy. Hey great idea! Doesn't anyone at Honda watch tv or movies. Yeah, except for maybe Twiggy from Buck Rogers and Muffit from Battlestar Galactica what good ever came from robots. Oh hello emotionless bionic all hard cased robo being, you want my breakfast bar, well I'm not quite done....gahck, I mean go ahead just release me from your newly completed neck crushing tractor beam/laser pointer for scary effect. Run on sentence that. I sure hope you didn't come this far looking for content, I really did drink waaaay too much coffee. I'm flattering myself by ASSuming someone is reading this. I'm a very good self-flatterer, I've talked myself into bed on more than one occasion. What next, I really did take that picture. Birds rule, you want to talk multi-tasking, you try flying in formation dodging bullets and honking in tune with all the other birds....Honk.....honk.ho..I mean ...wait for it....not yet..Honk...That's damn talented. Another cool thing is Dam, something built by beavers(the animal) and damn ooh did I just hear an "n" on the end of that young man, you had better be talking about something built by that swimming mammal with the overactive bicuspids, tendency towards logging and major plumbing jobs in smaller bodies of water. Beavers are also cool, unfortunately I have no pictures of them. They're too damN whiley. Imagine if beavers were carpenters. " Excuse me, little beaver man, um I said crown moulding not a stinking muddy ceiling in a damn stick house half submerged in my pool blocking my septic feild and creating a damn stinking wetland of feces and urine in my back yard." That would make a funny show. Beaver Carpenter Man. Hah, maybe not. The coffee is making me sweaty. Bye
Red-Tailed Hawk

blogging through the mire

This ISN'T my first blog. I'd like to say it was, were, grammar schmammar. As far as I'm concerned grammar should be the neat old lady who brings you stale muffins and makes you feel guilty that you don't live in horribly disfiguring poverty like they did in the good old days. Remember the good old days. Being too young to do anything cool and by the time you were old enough it wasn't really cool anymore. '" Hey everyone look at me I'm payin for the gas!! Yeah now who's cool, ooh and I also got to pump it too!! In yer face, sista!" I'd blame tv but we weren't really allowed to watch it and when we did it was KVOS reruns from the early thirties. "Hey Andy, aunt Bee said youse was supposed to pick up Opie." "Well, light my fire Barney wha dint you tell me that ealier, shucks Opie is gunna be right gummed up!" Ok it was tv, that and Tarzan with Johnny Weismuller. Some role model, he ran around all day in a dish cloth and wrestled anything with a pulse, that got me in some trouble let me tell ya.
Paragraph.
Another paragraph. I love rules. Imagine what writing was like before rules. i think I should've paid more attention in school, maybe if they used heiroglyphics. The Egyptians were pretty darn smart, catering to the literally challenged like that. I mean you were never stuck wondering what a word meant, oh the LITTLE man walking arms out towards the left, sorry I'm dislexic I saw him walking to the right, my mistake. Sometimes I wish i were Egyptian. Totally kidding, except for the loincloths, do they still wear loincloths, I mean that would be cool, unless you were a teenage boy.....